He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
