dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
