I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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