someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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