i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
it hurts more in the daytime
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
