I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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