is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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