Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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