you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
