Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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