I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i came on her dog
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
