I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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