he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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