I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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