Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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