well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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