And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
