Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
