Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
