I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
