i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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