one two three fourrrrnication!
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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