Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Everyone says I win the strip club
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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