she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
