I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
