so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
