I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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