if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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