I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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