why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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