can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
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