My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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