Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
