Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
