I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
