im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
