why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
