i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
