Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
