Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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