best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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