I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize