every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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