my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
