I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
