I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
