he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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