last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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