First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
