YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
