I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
