my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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