She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
