I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I think my moral compass just broke
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