if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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