her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
