alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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