Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
