just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
