I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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